If the Candidates were Video Game Consoles...

I often sit around wondering things like “who would win in a fight between a Velociraptor and a Robocop?” and, “if video game systems were presidential candidates, what candidates would they be?” The first question answers itself, but the second question is more complicated.

After careful analysis, I think I’ve uncovered the answers.

Let’s start with the Playstation 3, more commonly called the “PS3” or “the overpriced one.” Tall and black, the PS3 would clearly be Hillary Clinton. The PS3 is quite capable, and has years of PS2 experience to guide it. But even though the PS3 has strong qualifications, everyone knows that a large part of its popularity is based on the charismatic predecessor that shares the family name.

Nintendo’s Wii is clearly Democrat Barack Obama. They both have slightly funny sounding names, and have both won the imaginations of young people.

The Wii and Obama both try to appeal to people in who normally don’t participate in the process, and have a message of bringing people together. They have both managed to get people to send them a crapload of money online.

In fact, if Obama played Ron Paul in a game of Super Smash Brothers Brawl while on an iPhone, the internet would explode.

With the PS3 and the Wii taken, it leaves only one machine to represent the likely Republican candidate, John McCain. That is, of course, the Atari 2600.

We all remember the brave service the Atari 2600 performed for America back in the day. It takes a brave system to endure the torture of the “E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial.” But can it handle the challenge of today’s games? Of course not. The processing power required would probably make it overheat with rage.

And not many people know this, but the Atari 2600 is a strong advocate of continuing the war in Iraq, and is against a woman’s right to choose. Keep your laws out of my uterus, Atari 2600!

I hope this insightful and unbiased report will help you decide to vote for, or at least what video game system to buy. And remember, my uterus is strictly metaphorical.

Prediction: Even though the Wii is the most popular system, Atari and Diebold are owned by the same company. McCain wins.